Standing in Darkness, Looking for Light

Seriously I need change and betterment and a new location

So I’m sitting here and wondering some things. Recently a friend I loved deeply moved far away and for the beginning part of this year we were inseparable.. Now that he’s gone we hardly talk or at all really and sometimes I get worked up over the concept of whether or not to text him and then I do and then it feels like whatever we had doesn’t even exist. I hate being so emotional but I am and it’s killing me and I wish I hadn’t text him cuz I can’t even get a text back. My biggest pet peeve right now not from just him but everyone that won’t return my text when we were suppose to be so close. I can’t stand it!!!

So I must say this some of the friends I have been making aren’t worth a plate of 3 day old left overs but I find myself attached to one that I have extra feelings for and it doesn’t matter cuz he doesn’t feel the same way and he is leaving in a week. To be honest he’s not that bright or driven and he’s really kinda of weak but I like him a lot so now what to do while hes still here and more so what to do when he’s gone. Also I don’t wanna do dog sees god anymore I’m not excited nor care enough to put up with certain peoples bullshit. Currently getting cable installed which just prolongs my living here at home with my mom… I really want something to go my way like all the way in my life all at the same time I know that’s asking a lot but it’s what I want. I want the guy and the job and no bullshit!!! That’s it!!

Today wasn’t my day I missed one job and went to the second one only to be pissed and irritated and just plain grrr but made it home safely so I can work all day tmrw….

Ok so I’ve fallen for another boy and everything was going great until today and I’m having all sorts of issues and wish the son of a bitch would just fucking text me. I may be a little crazed because he texts or calls me everyday since we’ve met and he said he wanted to talk anyway so now I’m spazzing out and don’t know what else to do besides blog my crazy out. he’s special and by special I mean he shows signs of another boy that I once loved and that ended so badly and I wonder how I can get myself into this shit again. But he is so smooth and knows just how to get me. I need a real man oy!!

Just finished performing my dreamrole this summer on top of scoring some major callbacks that hopefully go well. Started yet again another new job At Lattitude 41 which is proving to be a challenge. Trying to learn alot now about work and myself and friends that I cant seem to make happy. If a person never wants to talk to you about whats wrong or what you did to them what can you do. I had to encounter that from not 1 but two ppl recently and it pains me. I am ready to go bottom line. ready to move away and live my life with abundance minus the current drama and pain ive been faced with. Also I really need a boyfriend because having these extra feelings for a boys who number one doesnt like you that way and prolly never will. A boyfriend will draw my attention away from him completely and I can maybe be a little bit ok. Although at this moment pretty sure he doesnt care in the slightest bit but I care when I upset him and make him feel some kinda way but a simple thing like sitting down and talking will never happen and I know it aint me. Anywho I spend too much time thinking about him when its rare he will even give me a second thought. This is taking longer than I thought anywho. Spending this week alone is giving me too much to think about and I need not to. Im trying to not be extra emotional or anything extra. It doesnt matter what I do I can never seem to win with him. I pay him so much attention and play with him like me and my mom use to do cuz i guess thats how i grew up showing affection and it pissed him off. So i tried staying away but then Im mad and then hes pissed off. I havent found the middle of the road but i guess its too late. and whats really fucked up is I share everything with him somethings I have never told anyone and now I feel like a fucking idiot about it. Ive triedd so hard but it looks like nothings working. so why is he still around and why do I care so damn much about pleasing another person when it seems they dont give two shits about me…..I dunno now I am just rambling and theres nothing worth anything on tv so Im bout to head home to an empty house and wait to see what happens. its funny but when I left for like a week me and him talked everyday it was the best time in our (fill in the blank) we literally sat on the phone and kinda talked about nothing. it felt good to say the least but everyone told me not to get roped into and that the good feelings wouldnt last. Suffice to say when he leaves I dont hear from him at all unless theres a chore involved. do I keep praying for change or just let it go?? it seems like he already gave up on me…….ok now I am done this turned into a pity party express for no fuckin reason except i prolly needed to vent and let it out before I explode…lets see what happens when he comes home if he does…..

So here we are again but with nothing really bad to say ha!! thats something right?? Well to my satisfaction I have had some successful auditions and in spite of being sick I rocked out like never before. I am truly blessed for what God has given me and blessed me to be able to use and inspire and create and so on. Truly Blessed. Also Blessed to have some great people in my life especially during this week. So here we are again where I am ready to live and breathe the life I had the chance to breathe once before. I am ready to live fully. I am ready to Love unconditionally and be Loved unconditionally. I am ready to be Bold. I am ready to Love myself just as I am. I am ready to Believe in myself as I do for others. I am ready to Soar…. I want to Fly and call this place the pitstop on the way to home. I am Ready!!

So Ive seen alot of movies lately and there is one that tops my list of the crap pile!!

THE OTHER GUYS- the only thing good about this fucking bs is when samuel L Jackson and the rock jump off that fucking building that was the best shit ever other than that it blew my balls to kansas and toto ate them

ok these other movies are my to die for flicks!!

BLACK SWAN- incredibly beautiful and and very artistic and just a good piece of art to go and enjoy but be aware cuz its special but still good !!

FOR COLORED GIRLS- OMG so beautiful with a phenominal cast I was in heaven except for the little bits Tyler perry wrote in which were repetitive as all hell but still good!!

LIFE AS WE KNOW- really cute and fun and heart warming and plush Josh Duhamel in underwear and high is delicious!!

WHEN IN ROME- another cute heartfelt comedy that pulled my strings and also Josh Duhamel doesnt hurt to watch

DEATH AT A FUNERAL- Epically hilarious and so much fun I really enjoyed it besides some minor acting choices

So umm yeah I can’t think of anymore I have seen but thats my take on those so kisses and dont get hit in the face with a dick!!

Ok so I know I was gonna do that 30 day challenge thing but once I again I fail but Im not too bent out of shape about it. I really feel like I need to let my mind clear out some space so Im gonna store it here and come back later to see how crazy i really am.

Right now I am still at the same job not doing the exact same thing but been going strong for over 7 months and I am so blessed and so proud for myself that i lasted this long. I am however working on my escape with these upcoming auditions which I am gonna nail so hard all the producers will end up pregnant.

Not too much else really going on exciting though. was suppose to be choreographing a show but that got put on hold. was suppose to direct a show but thats been put on hold. the reality in my mind is whats gonna happen if i decide to put them on hold??

I have been working out like a mad man also in prep for these auditions so I can look as good and desirable as possible.

Home life is fine not great but fine. its like a rollercoaster ride that I never wanted to get on but someone made me and then I see the picture and I buy it cuz its funny although not too much funny going on. Just stress and lots of it followed with panic attacks and diabetic attacks that could lead to death or just a coma and arguing and drama and words not being said that need to be but again arent but theres that third person that gets all the dirt and then transfers it to one or the other parties. I know I am rambling but its usually how all of this comes out. I keep trying to find the good in the bad and hope for the best but at the end of the day somedays in this house I just wanna blow my brains out. I never remember honestly wanting to be somebody’s friend this much and feel like i matter to another human being its really kind dumb I know. Roommates dont have to be friends but you think that most roommates especially the ones not being forced together would be. I just feel like nothing and second place or just plain shit and then wonder why does he even speak to me and then i think oh its cuz he must want something. Honestly Ive been holding this on my chest for way too long so hopefully I will be able to let it go and just keep it moving even though I’ve been trying to that anyway.But then I remember when we started on this little adventure all the things we talked about and plans we made and I think whatever happened to that? but then I remember that shit’ll never happen only fools build their castles on wishes!! But then I gues I was stupid to think he would be that one solid friend that would always be there but with as many dreams as I’ve had about how this is gonna end up it looks like my remembering I dont get to have happy endings is right!! Not saying I dont have other bestfriends but they are all so far away and I can do is hope that in the future after I stop fucking up maybe I will get to be close to them!! Lets face it folks somebody is gonna have to take care of this tired old hag when he hits the hill!!

I can’t place all the blame on him though. He said shit about the future and as time progresses all of that has just went out of the window. and I have caused my share of trouble which hasnt made things easy. It still doesnt matter how much I’ve apologized or said I love you or tried to show the little fucker how much I care it doesnt matter. He still doesnt trust me or probaly even considers me as more than the lesser of two evils even though at one point I got put in the bestfriend category although i am sure that was a mistake and I will never hear those words again. In that moment though I felt Like I was worth something more to him and then I started consensing to add him to my roster of besties. Only the cream of the crop get that title. With all of that being said though I dont think I will ever be good enough….

I also had this thought just today Why am I so focused on that one person when I have people that love me soo much and look out for me and want to hang out with me and always make me feel so special?

The best answer I can give is that since we live together and have a different bond and we are making plans together I thought that I would feel more appreciated than I do and more like friends than just roommates….

That’s why I jump into a rage when anybody brings up the marriage thing or says shit about us being any kinda couple I mean I get heated. also because in the beginning when the whole marriage thing started yes I developed some extra feelings for him (the good Kind, the bad came later) but even beyond that I felt like I was on a different plain than everyone else like I was special even better than a bestfriend. but slowly the word seemed to leave his mouth and he started to get distant and so did I but I still up until recently reffered to our state of being as a marriage but since he seems not to be feeling it I let it go Like I dont even get the point at all anymore and it kinda hurts. Again when you feel special and person smacks you down to reality the fall on the pavement is not pleasant.

Sadly I am so pathetic that I try so hard to be there for him and make him happy even if it means I have to go without something but all I do is lose…. and since we dont ever really talk I never really know whats going on only from my perspective and what good does that do me?? I hate that we can never ever just fucking talk about shit I think that’s the thing that pisses me off most….

Anyway I am learning to be more grateful for the people in my life and trust that God has a purpose and a plan. He puts in the places we need to be and with the people we may need or may need us. I am going to stay on the path and do what God would have me do in spite of how bad I feel inside (thats what medication is for anyway!!)

WHY MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION???

I am just an option!!!